You've likely encountered a fair share of gender reveal videos on Instagram or TikTok, where partners announce the baby's gender in front of family and friends using confetti cannons, smoke machines, or giant balloons that release a pink or blue haze when popped.

But when those babies grow up, what happens if they discover their gender doesn't align with that blast of pink or blue confetti?

The truth is that gender’s just a social construct.

The genitalia you’re born with only define your assigned sex at birth — not your gender — and the growing use of terms like genderqueer, transgender, and nonbinary shows that people are increasingly embracing diverse identities and steering away from societal norms or rigid color-coded expectations.

Confused about the differences between these terms? We’re here to help with an in-depth look at the meaning of genderqueer and other gender identity terms.

 What does genderqueer mean?

The term “genderqueer” is what many within the LGBTQ+ community use to describe anyone who doesn’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth.

What that means can vary from person to person. Some identify with the opposite gender, some with both, and some with no gender at all. It’s all about breaking free from the gender binary — the idea that anyone born with a penis is male and anyone born with a vagina is female, full stop.

It might seem like a 21st-century concept, but many societies have recognized more than two genders for centuries. And when the Western world finally started catching up in the late 1990s, the term “genderqueer” offered visibility and a sense of belonging to those who blend, bend, and dance outside the rigid lines of gender norms.

What pronouns do genderqueer people use?

For many genderqueer people, pronouns are an essential part of gender expression. Here are some of the genderqueer pronoun combinations you’re likely to see:

• They/them: A classic combo that’s growing in popularity, appreciated by many for its neutrality.

• Ze/hir: A genderqueer twist on the traditional “she/her” and “he/his.”

• Xe/xem: Another creative gender-neutral pronoun, pronounced “zee/zem.”

Genderqueer pronouns, sometimes known as neopronouns, might throw you off while you’re getting used to them. But don’t make a big show of trying to learn how to fit them into a sentence. The person you’re talking to will appreciate your openness to seeing them the way they want to be seen, even if you don’t get the pronouns perfect on your first try.

One commonly asked question is whether you should say “they is” instead of “they are” when referring to an individual instead of a group. The answer is no — conjugate verbs the same way for “they” as you would if you were telling a story about a person whose gender you don’t know.

Genderqueer gender identities

Genderqueer is an umbrella term that includes a whole spectrum of gender identities. Here are some of them:

• Agender: A person with little or no personal connection to gender.

• Bigender: The “bi” in bigender means a person identifies with two or more genders, much like a bisexual person experiences sexual attraction toward more than one gender.

• Genderfluid: A person whose gender identity and/or expression can change from day to day or over a longer period of time.

• Intergender: A person whose gender identity and/or expression falls somewhere between the traditional male/female binary or combines the two.

• Intersex: A person whose biological sex isn’t just male or female. Note: Don’t assume all intersex people describe themselves as genderqueer; many firmly identify with a single gender.

• Pangender: Just as a pansexual person experiences sexual attraction to many gender identities, a pangender person embodies many gender identities and expressions.

• Third gender: The common name for people who embody both male and female genders, a tradition with ancient roots in places like Thailand, South Asia, and Mexico.

• Transgender: A person whose gender expression is the opposite of that associated with the sex they were assigned at birth.

• Two-spirit: An Indigenous person who embodies both a feminine and masculine spirit.

Genderqueer versus nonbinary: What’s the difference?

Understanding the differences between nonbinary and genderqueer can be tricky, so we thought this one deserved a whole section of its own.

Nonbinary people don’t subscribe to the idea that you must identify with one of just two socially acceptable genders. Many nonbinary people would agree that this definition means they fit under the genderqueer umbrella. But since some genderqueer people do subscribe to the gender binary — they just subvert it by identifying with both or with the one they weren’t assigned at birth — being genderqueer does not necessarily mean someone is nonbinary.

It’s important to note that the meaning of nonbinary, genderqueer, and gender-nonconforming can mean slightly different things to the people who apply those labels to themselves. When someone tells you who they are, respect their chosen labels even if their definition doesn’t perfectly align with yours.

6 ways to support genderqueer people

If you’re cisgender (meaning your gender identity fits with the sex you were assigned at birth), you’re probably reading this in the hopes of better understanding the gender complexities that impact many other people more than they impact you. 

Here are some pro tips for becoming a top-notch ally to genderqueer folks:

1. Don’t make assumptions.

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is a cliché, but that doesn’t make it any less true. What you see on the outside doesn’t always tell the full story. Don’t assume anyone’s gender, gender identity, pronouns, sexuality, or romantic orientation. Let other people — not your expectations or judgment — tell you who they are.

2. Think before you ask.

This tip is an extension of number one. Don’t make assumptions, but don’t be nosy or intrusive, either. Other people’s gender, gender identity, and sexuality are their business until they decide to share that information with you.

3. Apologize if you make a mistake.

As genderqueer people gain more visibility and pronouns beyond “she” and “he” become the norm instead of the exception, society will grow more accustomed to the many differences that make us all unique individuals. But we’re in a transitional phase now, which means there may still be some growing pains. Don’t be too hard on yourself if you slip up — it’s the recovery that counts. Just offer a sincere apology and move on, putting in the work to learn from your mistakes.

4. Educate yourself.

Take time to learn the basics about gender identities and expression, and crack open some LGBTQ+ books. Approach the learning process with an open mind, empathy, and a willingness to listen to different perspectives. The more you know, the better an ally you can be.

5. Support genderqueer voices.

Amplify the voices of your genderqueer peers, but don’t overshadow them. Use your platforms and relationships to educate the larger community, but let the stories and perspectives of those with lived experience take the spotlight.

6. Create inclusive spaces.

Whether it's at work, school, or in your community, advocate for environments where everyone can be their authentic selves. That doesn’t mean it’s your place to become the president of the neighborhood Genderqueer Association. Just do your part to fight against microaggressions and foster safe spaces for the people who need allies most.

Join our inclusive community at Quinn

Here at Quinn, the audio erotica app created by women for the world, we’re all about exploring, understanding, and celebrating diverse gender identities and sexualities. No matter your gender identity, sexuality, or romantic orientation, the inclusive Quinn community will make you feel right at home.

If you’re interested in queer erotica, nonbinary voices, or body appreciation, the wide range of LGBTQ+ content on Quinn is a great place to start. To access thousands of audio stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.