Your partner is everything you ever dreamed of — smart, sexy, ambitious, empathetic, and kind. Everything's great, except for one thing: You're not having sex. 

If you feel like the passion's disappeared, you're not alone. Sexless relationships are an open secret most couples don't talk about, but dry spells are totally normal (and totally frustrating). 

Being in a loving, sexless relationship leads to the question, “Should I stay or should I walk away?” Let’s explore what it means to be in a sexless relationship and how to find your answer. 

What does “sexless” really mean? 

The term “sexless” is somewhat ambiguous. However, according to experts, a relationship can be considered “sexless” if partners haven't had any sex for an extended period or if sex occurs fewer than 10 times per year. A “low-sex relationship” is typically when sex occurs fewer than 25 times per year. 

While this definition provides a helpful framework, the concept of a sexless relationship varies according to your relationship dynamics and personal expectations. Couples have different levels of baseline sexual desire and frequency that work (or don't work) for them. Understanding the basics can help you assess your own relationship.  

The nuances of a sexless relationship  

Lack of sex in a relationship has its advantages and disadvantages. 

For some, a healthy, loving, romantic relationship is enough without the physical aspect. For others, sex is how they feel connected to their partner, and without it, they feel unhappy. 

While it's often considered taboo to talk about, a lack of physical intimacy has far-reaching impacts worth evaluating in your partnership. Don’t be shy to strike up a conversation about it with your therapist and friends — and definitely broach the subject with your partner.

Here's a breakdown of the potential pros and cons of not having sex:  

Positives 

• Deepened emotional connection: Some couples develop stronger emotional intimacy when they aren't releasing sexual energy. Your communication and understanding may be heightened in response to less sex. 

• Reduced pressure: For individuals with health issues, anxieties, or past sexual traumas, a sexless relationship can remove the stress they associate with sexual performance.

• Simplified dynamics: Relationships free of sexual expectations can result in fewer conflicts related to intimacy, which is a source of misunderstanding for many couples. 

Downsides 

• Unmet needs: Regular sex is a relationship important to some people (maybe even a non-negotiable), and resentment can arise when one partner feels like their sexual needs aren't being met. The partner with the higher libido may feel neglected, upset, or unattractive. 

• Distance: For many people, sex is one of the ways they express love. Reduced physical intimacy can create a sense of emotional space or lack of affection that may make partners want to walk away. 

• Potential for infidelity: Being unsatisfied sexually can lead some people to seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationship. In a monogamous relationship, this can seriously damage trust and commitment and lead to a breakup. However, a lack of sex is never an excuse for betraying or hurting someone you care about.

Why’s your relationship sexless? 

Sexual intimacy is often considered a cornerstone of romantic relationships, but sexual desire can fluctuate for many reasons. If you're in a sexless relationship, pinpointing why you're not having sex is pivotal to understanding its impact on your partnership.  

Here are a few reasons why you might be having less sex:  

You're too busy  

Modern life is super busy. There's always something going on, from full-time jobs to side hustles, friends, and exercise. Juggling so many balls can lead you to drop one or two, and the sex ball is often among the first to go. Being constantly busy can make it challenging to dedicate special alone time or to have the energy for sex when you finally find the time, decreasing intimacy. 

Life gets in the way 

Events like parenting, severe illness, or a family crisis require significant emotional and physical energy that can distract from having sex. Financial challenges, job loss, and even global events can also cause stress that negatively impacts sexual activity and connection.  

You have trouble getting in the mood  

If you're having trouble feeling sexy, conditions like depression, anxiety, and stress may be to blame for your low libido. Hormonal fluctuations, especially during pregnancy, childbirth, and menopause, can also affect your desire to be intimate, as can low testosterone and medications like antidepressants. Marital or communication issues can also cause problems with sex drive. 

Your partner is asexual  

Asexuality is a spectrum where individuals don't experience typical or any sexual attraction. Asexuality differs from low libido, as it's an intrinsic part of a person's identity. While they might not need or desire sexual intimacy, many asexual individuals still crave emotional closeness. Sometimes, asexual people may consent to occasional physical intimacy despite their lack of need.  

Your partner wants to wait until marriage 

Many cultures and religions value abstinence until marriage. This is a deeply personal choice often linked to a person's upbringing. If one partner chooses abstinence, the other must respect this decision whether they agree with it or not. Abstinence until marriage may be a dealbreaker for some people, so it's essential to communicate your thoughts and feelings with each other.   

You're not attracted to each other  

Sexual attraction is critical to continued sexual activity, and this can wane, especially in long-term relationships. People change over time, inside and out. In some cases, a physical disconnect stems from an emotional disconnect because the two parties don’t see eye to eye anymore. Issues like resentment and lack of communication can dampen sexual interest, too. 

How to reignite a sexless relationship  

If you want more physical closeness and sexual frequency in your relationship, your partner might, too. A dip in intimacy is common for many couples, but it's possible to increase libido with a little effort and open-mindedness.  

Here are a few things to try: 

• Speak up: Initiate a conversation about your feelings and sexual desires. Your partner may feel similarly, so why not pave the way for mutual understanding?

• Communicate effectively: Proper communication extends beyond words to ensure your partner truly understands your needs and vice-versa. Practice active listening to help you both feel validated and foster emotional intimacy, and don't hesitate to ask for help from a therapist, psychologist, or counselor.

• Think outside the box: Introducing new experiences or trying out different types of intimacy can rekindle passion. Try exploring a new fantasy, sex toy, or position, planning a romantic getaway, or attending a workshop for couples. Novelty can stoke the fires of passion.

• Make time: While it might not sound particularly sexy, scheduling intercourse can help get things going, especially for busy couples. Set aside specific times to get in on, just like you'd plan a date night out.  

• Practice self-love: Masturbating has many benefits. Get in touch with your own body to boost personal pleasure and confidence, and learn how achieving orgasm works for you. You can then teach your partner exactly what you want and need.  

• Don’t stress: If you’re still feeling connected and physically attracted to your partner, don’t let it become a bigger problem than it is. There’s a chance that your sex drive will naturally come back when your stress levels lower or some time has passed. Make sure you’re talking about how you’re feeling when this happens, but remember that it’s normal to experience a lull. 

Explore your sexuality with Quinn 

Reintroduce fun and passion to your sex life with Quinn. Browsing and listening to ethical audio erotica together can enhance sexual communication and openness with your partner. Quinn's diverse sexual content can also help you discuss and explore the kinks and fantasies of your dreams.  

Created by women for the world, Quinn will transform your solo and partnered sex life. To access thousands of narrated sex stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.