Have you ever watched a movie and thought, “If they just talked to each other, there wouldn’t be a problem”?

From an outside perspective, it’s easy to wonder why people aren’t communicating what they really feel. But when you’re the one in the middle of a conflict or with a sensitive topic to discuss, it’s a whole lot harder to start the conversation. 

Regular, healthy communication in relationships is important for everyone — whether you’re chatting with a situationship or want to bring up big topics with a long-term partner. From “I want you to prioritize our time together” to “I really don’t agree with the way you handled that,” here’s a guide to improving your communication skills and creating stronger connections.

The importance of healthy communication in relationships 

You’ve probably experienced a moment when you're chatting with a partner and are just not on the same page. It's frustrating, but here’s the deal: Effective communication is about so much more than just agreeing with each other. 

To truly communicate, you have to say what you’re feeling — and sometimes that’s different from what your partner’s going through. There’s nothing wrong with that. The key is learning how to respect those differences and find common ground.

Imagine you’re fighting with a long-term partner. You really hate that they left dirty dishes out overnight (they smell and you wanted to use them in the morning). But your partner thinks it’s not a big deal (they’ll clean them eventually and you have other plates in the cupboard). 

You might passive-aggressively wash the dishes yourself and give each other the cold shoulder. But sitting down and communicating might tell you where you’re both really coming from: You wish your partner put the effort into maintaining shared spaces, and your partner wishes you’d understand they had a stressful day and needed to relax. And from there, you can find a way healthier solution that makes both of you feel good.

Healthy versus unhealthy relationship communication 

Strong relationships are all about respect, transparency, and kindness — and communicating those feelings when things go south. But there are good and bad ways to express yourself in heated moments or when you need to talk about something important. And sometimes, it’s hard to tell what side you’re on.

Here’s what great communication should include:

• Openness: Communicating openly means voicing your thoughts as honestly as possible — while remembering that you could be wrong. It cultivates trust and keeps you and your partner from making assumptions. Nonverbal communication, like open body language, is important too, so uncross those arms and make eye contact. Remember that you have a relationship with this person because you care for and respect them, even when you’re frustrated.

• Active listening: Genuinely focus on and comprehend what your partner says, whether you’re talking about toxic behavior or a new sex toy you want to share. Nod, ask questions, and show them you’re listening actively. This is even more important if you’re in a long-distance relationship and spend a considerable amount of time on the phone. 

• Empathy: Put yourself in their shoes. You might have canceled that date for a valid reason, but you still have to understand why your partner’s upset about it. Communicating with empathy toward their experience is an excellent way to deepen your bond with and validate your partner’s feelings.

• Respect: Respect is one of the most essential pillars of healthy communication, so don’t forget it. Value and honor your partner's feelings and needs, even if you aren’t on the same page.

• Constructive feedback: If you don’t have something nice to say, find a respectful way to say it. It’s impossible to avoid conflict, so when it does come up, be constructive instead of accusatory. Guide the conversation with love and understanding — not blame. 

And here’s what to avoid:

• Excessive criticism: Consistently pointing out your partner's perceived flaws can damage their self-esteem and make them wonder why you’re even with them — which is the opposite of healthy. 

• Defensiveness: As a knee-jerk reaction, you may feel the need to defend yourself when your partner brings something up. But you have to stop to think and listen. Defensiveness obstructs constructive conversation and can make fights about blame instead of finding a solution. 

• Accusatory language: Frustration is totally normal, but taking it out on your partner isn’t. Using phrases like "You always" and "You never" can oversimplify issues, but things aren’t always black and white. 

• Speaking for your partner: There's a fine line between knowing your partner well and overshadowing them. Speaking for them or assuming how they feel stifles their growth and autonomy, and it keeps them from sharing their true feelings with you. 

Healthy communication: 10 tips  

In any kind of relationship, the quality of your communication directly influences the strength of your bond and how happy you are together. It helps you resolve conflict and understand each other on a deeper level. And if you set a strong standard, fights and disagreements will bring you closer — not tear you apart.

Incorporating healthy communication into a relationship requires effort and patience, but the rewards are invaluable. To learn more, try reading books on communication in relationships or even going to a counselor or therapist together. 

But for some day-to-day advice, here are some things to keep in mind while you’re learning how to communicate in a relationship in a healthy way:  

1. Set ground rules 

It may seem like it goes without saying, but talk to your partner about communication preferences. Discuss strategies to handle miscommunication, how to approach sensitive subjects, and what to do when discussions become too heated. This paves the way for healthier conversations from the get-go.

2. Prioritize openness 

Foster an environment of transparency. Let your partner know you won’t judge them for what they say, no matter how out there it is — and vice versa. You should both express your thoughts without fear and address concerns as they arise instead of letting them fester. 

3. Be gentle  

A little gentleness can go a long way. Staying calm will help you communicate effectively instead of saying things you don’t mean. If you need to step away from the conversation to calm down, do it. You and your partner with both appreciate a level head. 

4. Don't criticize  

Avoid generalizing and commenting on your partner's actions from a place of judgment. Instead, focus on specific events or actions and explain how they made you feel without being accusatory. 

5. Emphasize personal feelings 

Use verbal “I” statements to communicate with your partner — think “I’m upset about this” instead of “You always do this.” This keeps the focus on how a situation impacts you instead of attacking their actions, which will also illuminate what you’re feeling. That helps your partner understand how you’re implicated by the conflict. 

6. Understand before you respond   

Do your best to understand your partner's viewpoint before jumping to conclusions. Think before you speak, be empathetic, and remember there's nothing wrong with taking a few minutes to catch your breath. 

7. Celebrate differences 

Everyone has their own experience and communication style in relationships. And if you aren’t always on the same page, that’s okay. Sometimes, there's no right answer. Mutual respect is about understanding and acceptance, not necessarily finding a solution. You don't always have to see eye to eye. 

8. Practice emotional self-regulation 

Learn to regulate your emotions and recognize when you're too overwhelmed or upset. Then, you can calm yourself down with deep breathing, taking a short break, or whatever works for you. In the same vein, try to spot when your partner’s getting too heated and respect whatever space they need. It shows that you truly care about their feelings and having a productive conversation.

9. Apologize promptly  

Whenever there's a misunderstanding or hurtful exchange, apologize. Nobody’s perfect, and arguments happen, so do your best to repair and reconnect with your partner after the fact. Whether a simple apology or a date night — depending on your partner's love language — these efforts show you care. Just avoid saying “I’m sorry” out of spite. You have to mean it.

10. Confront instead of avoiding 

It's tempting to sidestep potential conflict, but addressing issues head-on is absolutely critical to healthy communication. While you might avoid challenging topics to prevent arguments, this only makes things worse. Opt for open discussions, even if they're challenging, to boost intimacy, discuss non-negotiables, and clarify areas of incompatibility. 

If you're really struggling to develop a healthy relationship with someone, you could try couples therapy or counseling. But it takes more than being an effective communicator. Constantly passive-aggressive interactions or verbal arguments that get mean could indicate that you're just not right for each other. 

Foster communication in and out of the bedroom

Great sex starts with excellent communication. To enhance intimacy and bond with your partner, explore audio erotica on Quinn — solo or together. Quinn's diverse sexual content opens up doors to conversations exploring your fantasies and finding the words to describe what you really want.

Created by women, for the world, Quinn wants to help you transform your solo and partnered sex life. To access thousands of narrated sex stories and guided masturbation sessions, download the Quinn app for iOS or Android.